Hirsute or Hair Suit?

Oh dear, it’s that time again. The sun coming out can only mean one thing. It’s time to defuzz. I say this with a sinking heart because depending on the chosen depiliatory method, major planning has to take place.

Firstly, the weather forecast is watched more avidly. Any sign of heat and sun will mean that legs and underarms, at a minimum will need to be done. As we all know, the shaving method isn’t as long lasting as other methods. The alarm clock needs to be set earlier as no one wants to do this the night before. If you do, you’ll be rubbing stubbly calves all day long and that’s not a nice feeling. So you bounce out of bed and into the shower. Then you remember that you don’t have any shaving gel. The planning hasn’t gone well so far. Top Tip: Hair conditioner is a brilliant replacement for shaving gel. Yes everyone, we’ve been conned into buying a product we never really needed in the first place.

Since it’s been a while since you last wielded a razor, a shaky hand will only result in a tiny cut that will bleed profusely all day long, leaving a crusty streak down your leg.

Now that your legs are nice and bare, if you attempt to lather on the fake tan, be warned! It will collate in your newly opened hair follicles, giving your bronzed legs a polka dot pattern. This is not attractive as it gives the appearance that you’ve got really bad stubble.

So what are the alternatives to shaving? There are, of course, depilatory creams. In my humble opinion, any attempt by the manufacturers to mask the noxious smell of these is hopeless and in the warm weather, it seems to get stronger. Also, I’m never quite sure what to do with all the clumps of hair that come off. I’ve always thought that it resembles hairy yoghurt!

The above two methods, shaving and depilatory creams, are the pain free but more short-term options. So what about the longer-term options? There’s waxing of course. It’s pretty successful for the most part.

I had a very ‘close shave’ once with a facial wax strip which caused an odd reaction. I was left with a very red mark on my very fair skin that lingered for a few days afterwards. My head hung low for the best part of a week as I was too embarrassed to look anyone in the eye.

There’s a comedian called Micky Flanagan who hails from South London (or Saff Lundun in his accent) who does a brilliant sketch on his reminiscences of his dating efforts during the 1980’s, and he fondly recalls when it was more common to find the panty area rather unkempt. It’s so funny, I’ve included a link to the sketch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f5-WY1alN8A. I want to know who came up with the concept of a tidy bikini line. And KILL THEM! How women (and men) can go through a process as to completely denude their nether regions puts me in awe. All I can say is that childbirth will feel like a breeze after that. I bet Baywatch had something to do with it!

A few years ago I thought it would be more economical to buy an epilator. Where was the warning on the package that you need to knock back a full bottle of wine and eat half a packet of painkillers to use it? This is a seriously underrated weapon that could be put to good use for the purposes of interrogation. It causes enough pain to make a grown man cry. It works folks, but be prepared for tears and wailing.